Hemy
Hemy (Walk Of Shame #2)
Victoria Ashley
Copyright © 2014 Victoria Ashley
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Edited by Charisse Spiers
Prologue
Hemy
I feel a hand on my shoulder pushing and shaking me, causing me to groan and scratch my head. I’m so fucked up that I can barely even move. To be honest, this could just be my mind screwing with me again, so I choose to ignore it.
“Dude. Hemy. Get the hell up. Wake up, bro.”
I make an attempt to open my eyes, but all they do is end up rolling into the back of my head and closing. I’m in the middle of my drug-induced coma, fucked out of my mind. My eyes are so heavy that I don’t even bother trying to open them again. All I want to do is sleep, to not have to think. My mind is a fog, no clues as to where it’s been or what it’s done in the past twenty-four hours; my synthetic nirvana.
“It’s time for you to get out, man. Take Rachel and go. I got shit to do.” The voice echoes through my ears, not sticking to my mind for shit except for one word.
All it takes is Rachel’s name for my mind to register what the hell is going on and for me to sober up enough to move. I knew I shouldn’t have come here last night. All I wanted was a quick release from my hell for ten minutes. I didn’t expect to get as trashed as I did, but then again I never do until it’s too late.
Sitting straight up I open my eyes and shake my head, as if that’s going to take me out of the state I’m in. The room starts spinning around me, so I lean forward with my head in my hands and squeeze my eyes shut. I need to come down, but my mind is still off in the land of the thoroughly fucked up.
“Dude . . . I told you to take it easy last night, but you were unstoppable as usual.”
My brain finally starts to process and I open my eyes again to see my good friend, Mitch, standing above me with my shirt in his hands. He looks both pissed off and sorry for me at the same damn time.
He throws my shirt at my face and it ends up landing on my lap, which I just now realize is covered with Rachel’s face buried in the middle. Rachel groans and digs her face into my hard on, but doesn’t wake up.
Damn.
In one quick movement I push Rachel out of my lap and jump to my feet. “Ah, fuck.” I rub my hands over my face and step away from the bed. “What is this shit?”
Rachel opens her eyes and smiles seductively while reaching for my pant leg. I shake her hand off and push it away. “What’s wrong, baby? You seemed to be into me last night. Did I do something wrong?” She pokes her bottom lip out in a pout.
Pointing my finger in her face I take a deep breath and exhale, trying to keep my anger in check. “The fuck I was. You know damn well I don’t want shit to do with you.” I grab for my shirt and start backing away. “I’ll deal with your ass later. I told you this shit had to stop. I have to go.”
I rush through the house with Mitch trailing closely at my heels. As soon as I push my way outside, I stop and take a few deep breaths in an attempt to gather myself from the shit storm I just walked out of. My head is spinning even faster now, and I have no idea how I’m going to get my ass home in this condition. I can barely even stand up straight.
“I have some bad news, bro.” Mitch’s voice is soft and full of regret coming from beside me.
I don’t like the sound of this. I lean against the brick wall of the house and rub my hands over my face as fast as I can. “Just say it, man.”
Mitch leans against the wall beside me. He hesitates for a short moment, meaning he doesn’t want to say what it is he has to tell me. “Onyx came over looking for you this morning. I tried telling her that you weren’t here, but man, she isn’t stupid.”
I turn around and pound my fist into the brick wall as hard as I can, repetitively, angry with my damn self. The crackling of bone against the wall tells me how much pressure I’m exerting behind each swing. The drugs swarming through my bloodstream numbs my mind from the pain I would be experiencing otherwise. “What did she see,” I ask through gritted teeth. “Why didn’t you wake me up? Fuck, I could have explained everything.”
“I tried waking your ass up. You were too fucked up. She walked in the bedroom and saw you shirtless with Rachel laying across your lap. She just stood there motionless for a while before turning around and walking out. She seemed pretty calm, man. I don’t know. I tried explaining, but she just kept walking, mumbling something about eternal heartache.”
I let out a huff and glide my fingers through my sweaty hair. “How the hell did Rachel get in there with me? When I went to that room last night I was alone. I didn’t do shit with her. I never once touched her.” My jaw steels as I picture Rachel’s scheming hands on me. This isn’t the first time she has pulled this shit.
“I don’t know, dude. I just went in there this morning to make sure your ass was still breathing and there she was, half naked, and sleeping on your lap. I didn’t know what the hell happened, so I just left you two alone.” He throws his arms up to show me he doesn’t really want to get involved. “I’m sorry, man. I think your time with Onyx is up. Everyone has a breaking point, a moment when they throw in the towel and walk away. You’ve screwed things up way too many times. You need to get your shit together before you end up dead and alone.”
I stand here and let his words sink in as he pushes away from the wall and walks away, ending the conversation. I’m at a loss for words. I know I’m nothing but a big fuck up. I’ve always been worthless. Even my parents thought so.
Giving my body a few more minutes to wake up and get with the program, I just stand here with my eyes closed, gripping the wall in front of me. I can feel the blood starting to ooze out of the torn skin, running down my fingers, but only because of the wetness and not the pain. I’m still numb from the pain, I always am. It’s what I spend all of my time chasing, and the reason I’m in this situation. How the hell am I going to explain this shit to Onyx? She’ll probably be gone by the time I get there.
Dammit, I fucked up . . .
Thirty minutes later I pull up in front of my apartment and hop off my motorcycle. It took me that long to be able to somewhat function normally. Even from the street I can see a couple of her suitcases on the porch, telling me what a damn screw up I am.
I stand here watching Onyx as she throws another bag out onto the porch, not even bothering to look my direction. It’s really happening. She’s really leaving and I am too fucked up to even fight for her. I am barely holding the bile down that is rising in my throat. Even I think I’m a loser at the moment. How am I supposed to convince her otherwise?
Setting my helmet down on my seat, I sprint over to the porch and reach for her arm just as she sets down another bag. “It wasn’t what it looked like. Let me explain.”
Her scorching green eyes meet my amber ones and I feel my heart drop to my stomach. There is nothing left in her look but hatred and pain, and it hurts even more knowing where it came from. I did this to her and I’ve been doing it for the
last six years.
“It doesn’t matter, Hemy,” she mutters. “You don’t think I know you didn’t sleep with that tramp? I know it . . . but the question is how much did she enjoy getting off on you while you were drunk, high, and passed out? How do you expect me to feel about all of this, huh? The thought of her touching you makes me want to puke. Her hands groping your body, touching your hair; being places mine should be. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t continue to stay in the shadows, tormenting myself mentally over you. I just can’t.”
I swallow and place my hand on her chin, stepping closer to her. I see her eyes dart down to my lips before she pulls her face away and takes a step back. “Don’t,” she whispers. “Just. Don’t. Please, let me go.”
It hurts having her push me away. Not being able to touch my woman is the worst pain ever, but I don’t blame her. “I have no excuse. I’m a mess. I know that. I’m trying to get by the only way I know how, which is to forget sometimes.”
“Well, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t deal with it. I gave it everything I had, and now there is nothing left to give. Every day that I’m with you I die a little more inside; lose a little more hope. I understand that you had a messed up childhood. I understand that your shitty parents left you. You were a young child, alone, and scared out in the world; I get that, and I can’t tell you that your sister is still out there, or that she is even still alive. I can’t take that all back, but what I can do is show you that love exists, that I’m always here for you. I have tried. I really have, but I can only take so much, Hemy. I understand your reasoning behind your behavior, but at the end of the day . . . I should be your only.” Her voice is broken and it kills me.
She breaks down in tears while moving further away from me as if being close hurts too much. I have the urge to run my hands though her strawberry curls and hold her close, but I don’t. I can’t. I don’t deserve to. “You’re a lost cause, Hemy. I can’t force you to change. You can’t and won’t. I’m only eighteen, dammit . . . and you’re only nineteen. This is all too much to handle. We’re too young for this shit. Can’t you see that?”
“I can change. I just need time. My head is not in a good place and I’m not strong enough to move on just yet. Do you know how hard it is to wake up every morning with these memories?” I point to my head, my hand shaking. “The places I have been. The people I have seen. The things I saw my parents do to Sage. It’s a gaping wound on my brain. Now I don’t even know where the hell she is! She was only nine at the time. I was supposed to protect her. I’m trying my best here, okay?”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I tried to help you. I tried, but I can’t continue to immerse myself into this filth and heartache. You may not have touched her this time, but what about next time? What extent will you go to in order to get your way of forgetting, huh? I have to get out of here before I lose myself.” Her eyes meet mine and her bottom lip quivers. “I’ve already lost you, because you were never fully there to begin with. I have known you for six years; for six years, Hemy, and you have only gotten worse. Don’t turn into your parents. Don’t let them win.”
I turn away from her, no longer able to look at the disappointment in her eyes. It hurts too damn much. “Can you just give me one more chance? I promise I would never hurt you on purpose. The things you’ve seen in the past were beyond my control. I may have flirted a little when I was high out of my mind, but I have never taken another woman to bed.”
“From what you know of, Hemy,” she bites out in a clipped tone. “We don’t know that for sure and I’m not sticking around to find out. I have to go. I need to go. You’ve hurt me too many times and I feel as if I can’t breathe anymore. It. Hurts. So. Much.”
She turns around and heads for the door, but then stops. “I just have one question. Have you ever loved me?”
Her words linger in the air as I try to force myself to speak. I want to say yes, but the truth is, I’m not sure I know what love truly is. “Onyx, I-”
“No. No. No. I don’t want to hear any excuses. I get it.” She grips the doorframe, but doesn’t turn to face me. “Tell me you love me, Hemy. Give me some kind of hope, because I’ve lost it all.”
My heart speeds up and it becomes hard to breathe. I’m not worth it and we both know it. She said it earlier when she said I was a lost cause. “I’m sorry,” is all I can manage to get out. Someone of my caliber doesn’t know how to love. It isn’t in my genetic makeup. As bad as I want to keep her here, she deserves so much better. But I’m selfish when it comes to her.
Without turning back she lets out a soft cry and covers her mouth. “Don’t bother contacting me, Hemy. I’m moving away from Chicago and I have already changed my number. There’s nothing more to be said between the two of us.”
“Don’t say that,” I whisper. “I can’t fucking lose you too.”
“It’s too late. You already have.” She bends down and reaches for one of her bags, and that’s when I notice her brother outside tossing her bags into his trunk. “My family has already been instructed not to tell you where I’m going. You won’t be able to change their minds, so don’t try. Goodbye, Hemy. It was fun while it lasted, right?” She laughs sardonically. “Have a nice life.”
I fall against the back wall while letting her harsh words sink in. My hands reach up to cover my face and my heart feels as if it’s been ripped from my chest; I’m no longer breathing.
The longer I stand here without her the more it hurts; the more I feel like dying. What the hell am I doing?
“No, wait!” I run to the door and open it, but I’m too late. She’s already gone. I quickly search for my phone, but of course I am so damn stupid that I must have lost it last night.
I turn around and reach for the closest thing to me, slamming it down next to my feet before punching a hole through the wall. What’s a few more breaks or scratches going to hurt? Maybe the physical pain in my hands will take away from the pain that is now throbbing in my chest. Trying to catch my breath, I fall against the wall behind me and drag my back down it until I’m on the floor burying my hands in the thickness of my hair.
So this is what love truly feels like . . . and losing it hurts like a bitch.
Chapter One
Hemy
Four years later . . .
The air around me smells of booze, sex, and drugs, my usual Saturday night scene. At one point I lived for these wild nights that consist of bodies upon bodies of people just looking to let loose, get fucked up, and fucked hard without the harsh judgments of society. It became my life; my very reason to breathe . . . until it fucked my life up. Then it became my ruin.
I’m leaning against the wall, casually chillin’ in the shadows while slamming back a bottle of Whiskey. Lurking in the darkness is the person I’ve become. I’ve been at it for the last hour. This party is piled high with willing pussy and roaming hands, yet I’ve let my thoughts pull me under and drown me in my own fucked up world of mistakes and regret. Tonight, I may need a bit of a challenge to get me off. I’m going to need it rough, deep and fast.
While slamming back another drink of Whiskey my eyes stray over to a petite brunette; Nico’s new girl. I met Nico a few years ago at one of these parties while I was high out of my mind. We partied together and we slowly became friends. I like him because he’s just as fucked up and twisted as I am.
Nico’s girl is slowly swaying her hips to a seductive song while rubbing her ass all over his dick. Her eyes are glued to me, eyeing me up and down like a siren luring her next victim. Fucking perfect. I like the seductress types, because they usually like the rough and rowdy sex that I require. The more she dances the more erotic her moves become. She’s working it well, because I feel my feet moving in her direction, not thinking of anything but giving her what she wants. It’s a nice distraction.
Nico’s lost in his own little world, grinding himself on her backside, but he stops to tilt back a drink of beer and takes notice of me approaching. He watches me with
satisfaction; his eyes say it all. A cocky smirk takes over his lips as he gives me a head nod and steps aside. He knows exactly what’s coming, and he welcomes it. “Hey, man.” He gives me a fist pound before practically pushing his woman into my arms. “Take care of Peyton for me. I know you’ll treat her right, man.” Most men don’t want to share once they’ve claimed a pussy, but Nico thrives on it. I told you he is just as fucked up as I am.
I grab his girl by the hip and pull her flush against my body. Grinding my hips in rhythm of the music, I press her against the wall and brush my tongue over her lips, causing her to moan out and wrap her arms around me. Our bodies press into each other’s as I lean in to whisper in her ear. “You’ve been watching me all night.” I press my body a little closer to hers and tug her hair a little. “Are you sure you can handle me once you get me? I’m not so sure Nico has told you about me. I don’t fuck like a boy I fuck like a man. I like it wild, wet, rough, and rowdy. If you want a lover this is your chance to back out. ”
She sucks in her bottom lip before turning to Nico who is now standing right next to us with a smile on his face. “So this is Hemy, huh?” She gives me a look of approval before letting out a growl and leaning over to bite Nico’s lip. “I can definitely get down with this, baby. Are you sure?”
Nico nods while tilting back another drink of beer.
Don’t ask me why, but Nico has this weird shit of getting off to me fucking his girls. It’s like it turns him on to know that I’ve been inside them. It could always be that he just enjoys the show. Either way, I’m not complaining.
I slide one hand up her skirt to grip her tight little ass while running my lips up her neck. “You want me to take you upstairs and fuck you? I bet you’re already wet for me.” She nods her head and plays with the top button of my shirt while biting her lip with need. “Has Nico told you the filthy things I do, because I’m not one to take it easy? Once I’m inside you, it’s deep and hard. There’s no in between, sweetheart.”