This Regret Read online

  “You love it and who cares what they think?” His hand runs down his stomach before it pushes down his erection, straining to break free. “If only I didn’t already have plans tonight.” He squeezes my ass and pulls me against him, pressing his lips against my neck before pulling away again. A smirk pulls up on one side of his face. “Oh yeah, don’t be surprised if you find me in your bed tomorrow night and no worries, I’ll be sure to be naked again.”

  I turn and start heading to my Sebring as he opens the door to his truck.

  I look back and grin at him, dangling my keys from my ring finger. “I don’t think so stud, you already gave me my key back.” I jump into my car and shut the door behind me.

  I have to be crazy to be falling for Kade after all of these years.

  Chapter Four

  Phoenix

  One of us had the brilliant idea of sitting down and having a family lunch with our grandmother, Claire. So here we are, sitting around the kitchen table at my mother’s house, awkwardness overpowering the happy feeling I should be having for making a delicious meal.

  “Pass the salt.”

  Twirling my fork in the middle of my spaghetti, I reach my arm out and scoot the salt across the table and in front of my mother.

  She brings her hazel eyes up to meet mine for a split second and that’s all it takes to know that she’s hiding something. She’s been acting strange for the past few weeks and to be honest, I haven’t seen my father around pretty much at all.

  I clear my throat breaking the silence, before this awkward family moment can get any more painful. “Where’s dad? I haven’t seen him all week. Is something up?”

  Two sets of hazel eyes land on me, but neither, my mom nor my sister are quick to speak.

  “Okay then. Forget I asked,” I mumble, looking over at my grandmother who has her head buried in a glass of Jack. I’m surprised to see she hasn’t drowned in it yet.

  My grandmother shrugs her shoulders, while spinning the ice around in her glass causing liquor to spill over the edges and onto the table. “He’s probably at some cheap motel with some cheap hussy.” She dips her finger in her glass and splashes her drink in my mother’s direction. “It’s a wonder this marriage has lasted as long as it has.”

  My mother’s head shoots up, but she doesn’t even bother with looking at my grandmother. You can tell she’s trying as hard as she can to keep her anger under control, but I have a feeling it won’t last long. They’ve never had a good relationship and it’s easy to see why. I’d be lucky to even remember one happy family moment that included the both of them.

  “Did anybody ask for your two cents, mother? Why don’t you go pour a fifth glass of Jack so you can pretend to be somewhere else like you have my entire life.” Her voice comes out smooth, but her eyes are shooting daggers in my grandmother’s direction.

  If this family dinner was pushing towards awkward before, then it’s definitely crossing that awkward line now.

  With lipstick stained teeth, my grandmother smiles and holds her glass of Jack out in front of her. “Trust me dear, I could’ve never gotten through your teenage years without him. You should be thanking me for drinking or else you would’ve been living on the streets by the time you hit fifteen. You were always an ungrateful child.”

  “Hey! What the hell, you two?” I stand up and push my chair against the table, causing everyone to look my way. Right now, I need to keep my cool. These two have no control. I can’t believe they can’t even pretend to get along for Zoe’s sake. “You two need to grow up and act like adults. This is supposed to be a nice family lunch.”

  When I look beside me, Zoe is sitting with one hand on her forehead, while playing with a noodle with the other. She looks bored, as if she’s used to this behavior and has learned to block them out.

  No wonder she never wants to be around. Our family is pure hell and it has been ever since the death of my brother Adric. Honestly, I don’t think anyone truly ever figured out how to cope with him being gone.

  My parents became distant, leaving me to pretty much care for Zoe and myself. I shut myself inside my own little world and refused to trust anybody again and Zoe, well . . . she was too young to remember Adric.

  “Haven’t you learned yet?” my mother asks. “You can’t just throw the words nice and family around and expect us to all function right. I knew we shouldn’t have invited that sorry excuse for a grandmother over.”

  With a startling look of calm in her eyes, my grandmother sets her glass down in front of her and leans over the table while holding her gray streaked hair out of her face.

  Looks like shit’s about to get real.

  “You have room to talk,” she bites out. “You have one child that overdosed on drugs, one that can’t read and another one that doesn’t like to talk about feelings. When you learn how to be a good mother, then you can judge me. Hear me, dear?”

  My heart stops at the mention of Adric and Zoe and I have to fight with everything in me to keep from losing my head. This woman is pushing my buttons right now and as much as I want to strangle her, someone has to be an example for poor Zoe and it definitely won’t be either of them.

  “How dare you!” My mother stands up and gets in my grandmother’s face. “Don’t you ever speak of my children that way again, you old bitch.”

  Zoe jumps up from her chair and throws her plate of spaghetti across the room before gripping the edge of the table, her nails digging into the wood. “Ugh!”

  My mother jumps as the plate shatters against the wall behind her and it looks as if she’s about to scream, but doesn’t. She just closes her eyes and flinches.

  “I hate you, Claire. You’re just a drunk old woman that no one likes. You’re the worst grandmother ever and-“

  “Zoe!” My mother screams while pounding her fist against the table. “Shut up and sit down.”

  Throwing my hands up, I shout loud enough to get everyone’s attention. “You all just shut up!” I take a deep breath and attempt to keep my composure. It sure as hell sucks trying to be the big one all of the time. I’m sick of it. These people drive me insane.

  “No!” Zoe screams. “I will not shut up.” She starts crying, while gripping the table tighter. “The only time you jerks want to mention my brother is in hatred. I don’t even know anything about him, but I do know one thing, right?” Her eyes are bulging out and her red curls are matted to her pale face. “He was a drug addict and I can see why. You people are unbearable to even be around and you make me wish I was dead.”

  She turns around to leave and I reach out and try to catch her arm. “Zoe.”

  It’s no use, though. She storms away from the table and yanks the sliding door open, slamming her fist into it before closing it with so much force both my grandmother and mother jump.

  I can’t believe this is even happening right now. Our family has always been a bit dysfunctional, but this is just crazy, even for them.

  Looking around the kitchen table, I can’t help but to feel this heaviness in my chest at my grandmother’s words and suddenly, I don’t care if I snap out. How dare she talk that way about Adric and Zoe? Adric, my dead brother that I didn’t even get to say bye to. Screw that shit. I could kick this woman’s ass right now. She can say whatever she wants about me, but not them. I will not allow it.

  I turn my eyes to meet my grandmother’s. Her eyes almost look regretful, but that would be too much emotion to expect from that vile woman.

  “Don’t you ever say anything bad about Zoe or Adric again.” I push my chair out of the way and get in her face. “You have no right to say what you did. If you have anything bad to say, then say it about me and me only,” I say, jabbing a finger in my chest. “How can you even speak about Adric that way? You evil-“

  “Phoenix,” my mother calls out. “Let’s just calm down.”

  I shake my head and back away before I can really lose control and hurt someone. “I really don’t want to hear anything that either one of you ha
ve to say. I have to go find Zoe now and pick up the pieces you two shattered.”

  I walk around the side of the house to find Zoe sitting on the ground with her knees to her chest and her back pressed against the side of the garage. From the looks of the half-smoked cigarette dangling between her lips, she doesn’t even notice me walking her way.

  The wet grass tickles my toes as I approach her and the sky is filled with clouds, looking as if it’s about to rain again. Perfect weather for a crappy moment like this.

  “Zoe.”

  The cigarette falls to the ground by her feet as she looks up at me, her face moist with fresh tears. As much as I’d like to yell at her for having a cigarette, I can’t. Not after looking into those broken eyes full of pain. It hurts my heart.

  “What do you want? Can’t you see I’m out here being stupid? You know like everyone thinks that I am,” she mumbles.

  I crouch down in front of her and pull her in for a hug, but she pushes me away. “Zoe, stop it.” I pull her in again and this time I am successful enough to at least wrap my arms around her, with her arms pinned in between us. “That’s not true, Zoe. No one thinks you’re stupid.” I run my hand over the back of her curls as she leans into my shoulder. “You’re a hell of a lot smarter than me when it comes to certain things. Don’t listen to her. Don’t let her win, Zoe. She doesn’t know shit about you.”

  She falls farther into me, finally giving in, as a sob escapes her throat. When is does, it is filled with so much pain that I can almost feel my heart shattering into a million pieces. I hate seeing her this way. If Adric were here, then he could fix this. Just as he always did for me. He’s not, so I have to do my best, even if it’s not enough.

  “It’s so hard for me. I don’t know if I can do it anymore,” she whispers in a raspy voice. “I just want to run away from everyone and everything. You have no idea how it feels. Why did I get stuck with this family?”

  Tears sting my eyelids as I pull her tighter against my chest and run my hands through her hair. “I do,” I whisper, holding back the tears. “More than you will ever know, Zoe.”

  “Then how did you do it?” She pulls away, resting her head against the garage, while running her fingers through the wet grass. “How did you deal with being around our family after . . . you know, Adric?” She swallows hard while wiping at her face.

  My eyes are burning, my throat is dry, and now I’m the one that feels like running. I can’t talk about that. I just can’t.

  Losing Adric was the worst moment of my entire life and there will never be any words to describe the pain that I felt and still do. Not only was he my brother, but he was my best friend, my protector and the person I knew would always be there for me. He did everything for me. When I was scared, he was the one that crawled into my bed until I fell asleep. When I fell off my bike, he was the one that made me laugh and forget everything. When I got my first heartbreak, he was the one telling me I was too good for that loser. It was always him.

  With only being fifteen, getting over his death and the feeling of abandonment was a tough struggle. I felt as if the whole world was falling in on me and everyday was a fight to keep breathing. It crushed my world.

  Not only did I lose my brother that day, but to top it off, I lost someone that was like a second brother to me as well. I expected him to be there because my brother no longer was. Expected his shoulder to cry on and to be able to ask him the questions I didn’t know, but . . . he was gone too. Without them, I felt alone and my family wasn’t strong enough to be there for me, so I did the best with what I had left.

  I stand up, smash the cigarette into the ground, and force a smile. “I had to be strong, Zoe.” I grab her hand and pull her to her feet. “Now let’s go show that old hag to the front door.”

  The twisted look on Zoe’s face makes me laugh. Her eyebrows raise up and her freckled forehead scrunches up. “I’ll show her alright.”

  Her pace quickens and her fists clench at her sides, as we get closer to the door. She’s just a little too determined right now. It’s a little scary.

  “Zoe,” I say, stopping her.

  She turns around and exhales. “What?”

  Pushing her behind me with my hip, I reach for the sliding door. I shove her shoulder and put on a serious face. “Don’t think we won’t be discussing that cigarette with mom later.”

  She throws her arms up in frustration, her eyes wide with worry. “Come on, Phoenix!”

  * * *

  I can’t hold back the laughter as the frisbee flies through the air and smacks Kade in the back of the head, making a loud thud.

  He spins around to face me and takes a step forward, grabbing me by the hips, but I laugh, pushing him away. “That deserves a spanking,” he whispers, biting his lip. “I told you I wasn’t ready yet.”

  I place my hand on his chest and give him a shove. “Oh, was that what you said?” Sucker.

  “I knew it. I fucking knew it, guys.”

  Oh crap! Looks like someone is a little earlier than expected.

  Pulling away from Kade, I twist my head to the right to see Jen walking down the bike path with Jax snuggled in her arms.

  “He was just getting me back for hitting him in the head with the frisbee, but never mind that.” I reach out and scoop Jax right out of Jen’s tight grip. “About time you brought my little guy to see me. I was about to come kidnap you.” I poke Jax in the nose and smile as he giggles. “He’s getting too big, Jen. Make it stop.”

  Jax will be turning one in just a few months and it’s hard to believe how much he has grown in the last few weeks. I have been friends with Jen since we were old enough to walk and you had better believe this little boy is spoiled. It’s almost as if the little cutie is mine. I just wish I could see him more often.

  He looks up at me with those big brown eyes and smacks me right in the face with his plastic set of keys. “Ouch,” I say, making a sad face at Jax. “You’re just lucky that you’re so cute and loveable.”

  Kade laughs while tossing the frisbee to Jen. “Good job, little guy.” He holds his hand up in front of Jax waiting for a high-five that never comes. “No love?”

  Jen snaps her arm out with a quickness that only a new mother can have, and pinches his arm. “Don’t teach him that violence is okay.”

  He grabs his arm and gives her a clueless look. “You just pinched me,” he points out. “Isn’t that condoning violence?”

  Jax laughs in that cute little baby voice and throws his arms out at Kade.

  When Kade makes a sad face and grabs his arm in pain, Jax laughs again and bounces up and down in my arms.

  “Now look.” Jen tosses the frisbee up before catching it again. “Now he thinks it’s cute when someone gets hurt. Great job, moron.”

  “He’s fine, Jen. Don’t get your panties in a bunch . . .”

  Their conversation trials off as I look around the park, my eyes scanning for the place with the most shade. It’s a hot June afternoon and I don’t want little Jax to be uncomfortable for even a minute. I don’t get to see Jax very often anymore and I want him to know he’s safe and taken care of when I do.

  I take a seat under a tree and place Jax on my lap, while looking up to see Kade and Jen throwing the frisbee to each other still arguing about who is right. “I missed you, little guy.” I hold him up in the air and place my nose against his. “I haven’t seen you in almost two whole weeks. You better stop being too busy for me.”

  “Y’all better start talking,” Jen yells out. “Don’t think that I didn’t see Kade stick his hands up your shorts the other day at work. That was just wrong.” She turns to face Kade before tossing him the frisbee again. “You dirty boy.”

  “It’s nothing, Jen.” I give Kade a dirty look as he smirks proudly. If I was close enough, I would slap him upside the head. “It’s all in fun. Right, Kade? We’re only friends.”

  “Just friends, huh?” He lifts a brow, pretending to act clueless before flashing Jen a charming
smile. “Yeah, Jen. What’s wrong with two adults that have known each other practically their whole lives having a little fun? I can’t help it if I’m so irresistible.”

  Jen takes her eyes away from Kade right as the frisbee smacks her in the shoulder. “Yeah, whatever,” she replies, while grabbing her shoulder and giving Kade a dirty look. “I would be careful though before someone gets hurt.”

  “We’ll be fine, mother.” I laugh. “Thanks for the advice. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

  “I ask myself the same thing,” she mutters.

  An hour of fun, and a lost frisbee later, Nathan pulls up in his Jeep and steps out. Without bothering to say hi to anyone, he leans against the side of his Jeep and motions for Jen to join him.

  Kade takes a seat next to me as we both watch Jen jog over to stand in front of Nathan.

  “I’ve always hated that guy,” Kade growls. “He’s lucky Jen loves him or else I would’ve kicked his ass about five different times by now.”

  Watching them from across the grass, I can’t help but to wonder what he’s saying to her. I can’t hear anything, but from the look on his face, he doesn’t look the least bit happy.

  I hand Jax over to Kade and get ready to stand up, but Kade grabs my wrist to stop me. “Whoa. Don’t go over there and make it worse.” He studies Nathan’s face while gripping my thigh. “If he does anything then I should be the one to go over there. Just give them a minute.”

  Thinking about it for a minute, I realize he’s right. I don’t even know what they’re talking about and I really have no reason to go over there and start a dramatic scene. For all I know, they’re not even fighting. Maybe he’s just worried about Jax.

  “Fine.”

  While I have Kade alone for a minute, I somehow decide this is the perfect time to ask the question I’ve wanted to ask for years. So, I take a deep breath and blurt it out before I can stop myself. “Do you ever wonder about Kellan? It’s been eight years, Kade.”